L.G: Describe a moment in time through the eyes of an ANZAC soldier.
S.O.S: - I have described the senses the soldier would feel.
- I have painted a picture in the readers head.
THE WAR
Did that
hard bullet just graze my head? I am so scared. I am sick. We finally got to
Gallipoli in Turkey. It was April 25th 1915. We were fighting for
Russian land. We were also fighting for the British. Before I could blink, bam,
he blows up the big barrier. I could hear the machine gun firing at me. Oh, I’m
shot! I’m shot! I could see the blood dribbling down my leg. I could smell the
smoke hovering though my body and I could feel another ANZAC right beside me on
the ground. I could taste the dirt that I had swallowed. I got back up with the
guy on my back and I started climbing and I got to the top. I ran 15 metres. We
were all getting shot on the way to the protecting barrier. My heart was
beating. It felt like my heart was going to come out of my chest. There are
people all around me. There is blood all over my boots. Weeks and weeks of
fighting and finally I come back to my sad family. Written by
Jake White
Jake you have a really good writing piece here. You have described from the soldiers perspective. Your use of senses is precise. What was the big barrier? Can you make that idea clearer?
ReplyDeleteWhat a descriptive piece of writing Jake!
ReplyDeleteI can see you have made a visual of what it was like for soldiers at ANZAC.
Can you give more detail to your ideas, like what was it like to swallow the dirt.
Miss Lampe
Jake
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your descriptive writing - you really did make a picture in my head while I was reading. I also really liked how you varied your sentences, some were complex with commas and some were short and precise. Perhaps in your next writing you could separate your ideas into more than one paragraph. Keep up the great work!!
Mum
DeleteI Like how you used lots of punctuation.
ReplyDeleteI Like how you painted a picture in my head.
Next time you could put in some more conjunctions.
From Mollly
I like how you described about the soldiers.
ReplyDeleteI like how you feeled when you where at galipali.
i think you should put in some more punctuation to paint your reader into there head.
from Jordan
You have used nice described how the soldier felt.
ReplyDeleteI like how you said ''Did that bullet just graze my head?''
Next time you could add more detail.
From Amy Vickers Room20
I love it how you have yourself in there place.
ReplyDeleteI also like how you have told us when it was.
Maybe next time you could a bit more detail